zero

After worrying for months about my eye pressure being too high, it is now at ZERO, which is, not surprisingly, too low.  My eyeball is literally squishy like a sponge.  Seriously yucky.  Because it has no pressure, my eye isn't able to focus at all (no more 20/15, that's for sure...) and it hurts even to blink.  Who knew this would be such a roller coaster?!  Ugh.  

So, my doctor took out a stitch yesterday, hoping that would keep my pressure from climbing after he sees me every few days.  Having my pressure climb that way told him I was healing too fast (me being such a young spring chicken and all), so he gently pulled out an 1 1/2 inch long stitch (he numbed my eye first), opening up the hole a little more.  Well, within a half an hour, my eye hurt and I could barely see.  So, now, after another lovely visit with my doctor, I have been told to take it even easier than before, up my steroid drops (which will ideally raise my pressure), and hope for improvement within the next few days.  My doctor seemed alert and vigilant, but not panicked, which reassured me A LOT.  Because, to me, this is rather alarming.  Even with all the things going on with my eye, it has still felt like an eyeball.  Right now, my eyeball does not feel like an eyeball should.   I was not expecting to take such a step back as this feels like.  

This experience is definitely teaching me perspective and to be appreciative of what I have.  Just yesterday morning, I was wishing I could see better, wishing I could just have my normal life back.  Who knew that just a few hours later I would be wishing my eye were just back to its state it was in the morning.  So, now I'm appreciating the fact that I am continuing to heal, that I can see a little out of my left eye, and perfectly out of my right, that I have such a good doctor, that I have insurance, that I have so many good friends, and that I have such a loving family.  I don't know what I will feel like tomorrow, and I am trying not to worry about each new stage of this awful process, but today I am thankful for all these things.  

I am also never again going to apologize for just posting pictures on this blog, because now I wish that were all I were doing.  I thank you all, though, for continuing to read.  Hopefully, soon, you will get to see beautiful pictures of my great kids again (Grace has not only lost her other front tooth, her new one is already coming in!  Anna is now big enough that we just had to buy her some size TEN pants--how can that be?!).  

seeing the stars

Okay, so things are definitely looking up since the last time I wrote.  Sorry if I worried anyone; it was just a bad day, which including reading all about the surgery I already had done to me on the internet--which totally freaked me out.  Since then, my body started feeling much better, I started a simple knitting project that involves very little looking but much sanity saving, and I've been getting back into the game a bit.  Every day someone's taken me out at least once to eat or even run errands, and I'm back to walking the kids to school.  I also got some photo albums, so I could finally start putting years worth of pictures into albums--a great doable project that keeps me from feeling idle.  

I was back to the doctor yesterday, who pushed on my eyeball again (ouch!) and got my pressure down from 19 to 4.  Nineteen is still pretty good, but his concern is that I'll heal too fast, so he keeps reopening the flap (ugh) to ensure it doesn't heal over.  I am actually seeing 20/15 in that eye with my glasses on (of course!), so my eye IS working really well, but because my eye is being kept dialated, that affects my vision.  It sounds like keeping my eye dialated is pretty important at this point, so I'm determined to settle in and get used to seeing this way, because it could be a while.  He said even when he has me stop the dialating drops, it will take 7-10 days to wear off, so I'm looking at being dialated for at least another few weeks.  

My mom is being super helpful, making meals, helping keep the girls' schedules, homework, and practicing afloat.  I think she'll be leaving within the week, though, so I'm trying to get used to going it alone again.  I think I will have to learn to change my priorities a bit--does laundry really need to be done yet? Hairballs floating across the hardwood?  What hairballs?  This will be good for me... 

Anyway, I'll keep in touch.  Thanks for being there!  :-) 

I've fallen and I can't get up

So, things are certainly better than they were, but I just need to say that this still really sucks.  I still can't see super well, I can't drive, lift anything, bend down, knit, or read.  I'm feeling like a caged animal.  Sorry to vent, but I've kind of hit a wall today and am feeling depressed about it all.  I know I am lucky to still have my sight at all, but the outlook of going to the dr for visits every couple of days, possibly having to repeat the surgery some day in the same eye or the other one, probably not being able to wear contacts ever again, and still being nervous about this recovery is a lot to take in.  Before today, I was very much just focused on getting the pressure down in that eye.  Now, I'm looking ahead to the future, possibly having to alter my life more than I am ready to.  

Or maybe not.  Maybe things will be better than I'm thinking right now. 

Karyn's back...

Well, hello again.  :-)  I thought it was high time for an update from me.  I'm still not seeing super well (probably due to the fact that one of my new drops keeps my eye dialated) and I tire out awfully easily, but I feel better every day and am therefore feeling loads better than when Adam last wrote.  

I've been back to the doctor yesterday, where in response to my pressure being up to 23 in the left eye, he pressed my eye with his thumb (hurt like crazy), getting my pressure down to 4.   It's bizarre to me that following such a precise and delicate surgery, the adjustment involves playing uncle with my eyeball...  I will continue to go in every few days which could be for a while.  No one's really saying how long.  I do know that the doctor told me (after the surgery) that the surgery was the easy part, now comes the "hard" part.  Yikes.  The surgery seemed might hard to me...  

The good news is that my new glasses already came in today (which I just ordered on Saturday in a panic), my mom and I headed out to pick them up and go out to lunch, then tried to visit people at the yarn store, but I tanked and had to go home to pass out.  It's disorienting being out not being able to see well, but I know it will get better with each passing day.  And, quite honestly, I'm just glad I can see at all.  

My mom's been supremely helpful, as I can't drive, lift anything over a gallon of milk, or lower my head past my heart, so she's been busy keeping the house afloat and shuttling the girls to and fro.

The girls are doing okay.  Anna had a tough time leading up to the surgery.  She was really nervous and cried a lot when we would talk about it.  Grace has had a tougher time afterwards, wanting me to take her to MP and read to her.  It's hard for her to understand why I can't do these things yet, especially since I look relatively normal (except for a very alert looking left eyeball).  

I've been completely humbled and grateful for everyone's kind words both here on the blog, and in calls and emails.  I am so thankful to have all of you in my life.  There is nothing like a crisis to make you realize how much you are loved--and I definitely feel loved indeed.  Thank you.  Each of you helped me face this surgery, which I found very, very scary, with bravery and strength--and I'm going to be okay.  

I'll be back in touch soon.

Eye Surgery Update: Good news & pictures!

This is Adam, filling in for Karyn.  

I'm glad to report that things are going as well as we could have possibly hoped for.  Karyn is really barely recovering from the surgery itself, feeling really groggy and out of it ever since she got pulled back into consciousness.  It hasn't helped that she's been out of adrenaline, hadn't eaten at all before the surgery, and that she's been wearing a patch and a bunch of gauze over her left eye.  It's been really disorienting.

But, the good parts:

• The doctor, right after the surgery* said that it went very well.  No problems and no extra manuevers.
  
• Karyn woke up after the surgery -- that's the part that always relieves me -- and she came home.
  
• Louise (Karyn's mom) got here this morning to help out.
  
• I took Karyn to the doctor this morning, where the patch got to come off and they checked all things they need to check.  For me, it was really interesting to see all the different things they could look through and all the different things they could look for.  The doctor even pointed out to me the various features of the procedure, holding Karyn's eyelid open as he did so.  (Not very comfortable for Karyn, but it was really fascinating for me.)  They checked the pressure in her left eye and it measured 16 mmHg.  (I include the units of measure for any physicists or any of my physics students checking in.)  This is exactly in the normal range, and much much better than the elevated pressures she'd been sustaining for the last few days.  This is without medication in this eye.
  
• Karyn's much more comfortable to have both eyes open, and the left eye doesn't feel that bad.  It feels better than her throat, actually, where she had a breathing tube during the surgery.  Her vision is surprisingly good, even minutes after removing the patch.

Now Karyn goes back to the doctor every few days to check on how the healing is going and if anything needs to be done to modify the pressure some more.  There could be some more fine tuning with the eye, but so far (aside from having the surgery in the first place) things are going as well as they can.

Karyn hasn't been behind her camera lately, but I took a few shots, both before and after the surgery:

Karyn with Anna, behind the small army of medications she was taking to try to prevent surgery.

Karyn showing her calm cool collected self before the surgery.

Staying warm under my coat.  The socks aren't upside-down, they're made to go either way . . . I guess in case you need to climb a wall or something.

Just a few hours before she got the patch removed.  

Now, Karyn is taking a nap, Louise is doing laundry, and I'm on my way to get the girls from school.  It all feels much more calm than the weekend.  Thanks to everyone with the well wishes to Karyn -- she's really appreciated knowing that people are thinking of her.

_____

* If you're interested, the procedure is called a "trabeculectomy".  If you google such a thing, you can get an in-depth description of the different things that are done, and you can even see some video footage of procedures.  (Not really recommended, actually.  Very graphic and maybe more information than you'd want to know.)  The basic technique is that they open up a flap in the exterior of the eye, do an incision that goes to the iris that will allow fluid to drain out and prevent pressure build-up, and remove a sliver of the iris so that it doesn't fill in this piece of the plumbing.  Then they treat it with some cancer medication which prevents cell growth, keeping that opening clear for drainage.  Karyn goes in over the next few weeks to make sure that this basic plumbing is just the right gauge to allow pressure to be relieved, but also not be too low.

Surgery

It's a go. I'm having surgery today at about 10:30.  The pressure was no better than yesterday.  Adam and I are leaving in a few minutes to start preregistering and all that fun stuff.  Jenn and Peter are coming over to take care of the girls.  Thank God for Jennifer.  She's been a hero through all of this.  

Please send good thoughts my way.

Bummer

Hi.  Well.  It's not good news.  

I will probably be having eye surgery tomorrow on my left eye.  Damn glaucoma.  It's a long story, and I'm exhausted and terrified, so we'll see how far I get....  Starting last week, I wasn't feeling like I was seeing very well, but I had just gotten my new contacts, so I was thinking perhaps I got the wrong box or something and was going to call to see.  Well, I woke up on Saturday morning with a boring pain through my eye, a significant sensitivity to light, and my eye was really red.  I went in to see the ophthalmologist on call, who determined I had developed inflammation (by an unknown cause), which was causing my pressure to be really high again: 44 (anything over 20 is a problem).  To further the problem, the only treatment for this inflammation is steroid drops, which tend to cause my pressure to skyrocket.  So, he gave me additional drops for the glaucoma along with the steroid for the inflammation, totaling five drops to be administered at various times throughout the day.  

I felt pretty good last night and my eye was looking a lot better.  I was supposed to see the dr at 8:00am this morning, but when I woke up at 7:00, I could barely see through my left eye.  It was like looking through a really dense fog.  And, totally freaky to me, my eye wouldn't focus on my reflection in the mirror, just drift randomly around.  I called the dr, and went right in.  My pressure was at 46.  We headed to the 24 hour pharmacy to fill another drug, this time a pill to control the glaucoma systemically.  

Then, I went back in at noon, this time to see my own ophthalmologist, a glaucoma specialist, who I trust and like very much.  Even with five drops and a pill, my pressure was still at 40, which is high enough to go blind if left that high for long.  

I'm going in at 7:15 tomorrow morning, but barring a miraculous drop in pressure over night, I will have to have surgery in order to relieve the pressure.  I am so scared and overwhelmed and confused about why this is happening.  

I want to be able to see.  Desperately so.  It makes me cry every time I think of that being jeopordized.  

The surgery should go well, though.  If my doctor says it needs to happen, I will do it.  I doubt I will have time to post on here before knowing for sure what is happening, but I wanted at least to let people here know, because many, many people I know and love check this blog, and I figure the more people thinking of me tomorrow, the better.  So, whether you pray or not, please send good wishes my way tomorrow.  I'm feeling awfully weak right now and I need all the strength I can get from you.  I'll let you know when I can how I'm doing.  

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and is enjoying a great new year.  We got back from Oregon on New Year's Day, the girls are back in school as of yesterday, and I am finally working on two photoshoots I took the week before Christmas and have felt guilt ever since for not getting to them until now.  Of course, there wasn't much time to thoughtfully sit at my computer for hours at a time in the past two weeks...  Probably not for many of you!

We had a great Christmas.  Jenn, Matt, and Peter got home from Wisconsin a few days before Christmas, so we were able to spend much of the 24th with them, eating yummy food and opening some presents.  On Christmas morning, the girls "slept in" until 6:40 (we told them they couldn't wake us up before 6:30), we talked them into a morning snuggle in our bed for a bit, and then we headed downstairs a little after 7:00.  It is no surprise to anyone that our girls are spoiled: they really didn't need anything, but got plenty just the same.  Anna got the much anticipated Nintendo DS, Grace got a digital camera, and they both got a wooden marble run from Santa.  By 8:15, we were done opening presents, ate a yummy breakfast, and had all day to play with new things, pack for our trip, and watch the snow fall.

Unfortunately, watching the snow fall wasn't as relaxing as it could have been had we not needed to fly to Oregon that night.  You see, a huge storm was predicted for Christmas evening, and the fact that it was already snowing inches and inches in the morning did not sit well with paranoid, worry-wort me.  So, I was worried all day, wondering if we would really go, and worried we'd get stuck in the airport.

Well, we didn't get stuck in the airport, we got stuck on the plane...  We got to the airport in plenty of time in order to avoid driving in the storm and to allow Jenn to use our car to pick up Gramma and Poppy who were flying here from Oregon.  So, we got to see them for a minute before they headed up to visit Peter and his parents for a few days.  So, we were now at the airport with no car (which ended up being inconsequential anyway).  Then, the snow started.  And I mean, it really started.  The snow was falling horizontally and accumulating inches/minute.  They closed the airport.  Then they opened one runway and whisked us onto the plane.  We felt like we had caught a lucky break: it was only a half an hour after our planned departure and we were already getting on the plane!  Well, where our plane was in the terminal, all the snow and ice that was swirling horizontally got jammed up in the left engine, causing it to not work.  So, an hour later, we were finally on our way after they brought a huge blow dryer out to melt all that ice and snow.  At this point, our captain announces that the de-icing is taking longer than usual, like 10 minutes/plane and we are sixth in line, so we were looking at waiting another hour or so for the plane to take-off. Five and a half hours later, we finally took off (at 3:00am).  I still don't know what really happened.  There was lots of swirling snow, very little plane movement, very little communication from the pilot (I don't know how much more he knew), and very little sleeping.  The girls (and every other kid on that plane) were very, very good.  They didn't fall asleep until around midnight and even then it was very irregular, so by the time we landed in Eugene, it was 4:30am (Utah time) and we were extremely disoriented--I felt like for the whole time we kind of lost a day.

But, once in Oregon, we had a great time.  First we got to visit my mom, who gave the family a Wii and the Wii Fit for Christmas.  I am not a video game person at all, but that thing is awesome!  We had a blast playing it with my mom and practically had to drag ourselves away to do anything else, but we did: we went to see The Tale of Desperaux, we painted pottery, saw friends for breakfast, went yarn shopping (the girls were thrilled), and beaded bracelets.  And then returned to play bowling, golf, tennis, boxing, and ski jump.  Wow.  That thing is fun.  :-)  

Then we headed to Adam's parents who were back from their trip to Utah and ready to host us despite not having had power for four days before leaving.  Their home seemed to be in the epi-center of the big Oregon storm: trees were snapped all around them, leaving tree carnage everywhere.  I cannot imagine how much work that will be for Poppy to clean up.  Fortunately, Poppy knows all about trees and has a manly-man tractor and truck that should help.  It was nonetheless as beautiful as ever at their home.  We got to watch movies and play with daddy's Legos, and Adam and I even got to go on a date while the girls went to the amazing Gilbert House with Gramma and Poppy.  

Then, we headed back to my mom's on New Year's Eve to eat crab and play more Wii before packing it up to go back to Utah early the next morning.  Thankfully, the flight home was uneventful and quick, and we're all glad to be back.  It's been snowing lots lately, with beautiful sunny days with bright blue sky in between.  

Now things are slowly getting back to normal.  I took the Christmas decorations down yesterday, which always makes me a little sad, and shelved the Christmas music for another year.   

Anna gets her retainer off tomorrow, which you can only imagine how excited she is for that.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.  I've loved the Christmas cards we've gotten from so many of you--and I'm hoping more are still coming!